It’s human nature to want to get closure when we feel betrayed by a person we love(d). This person can be a significant other or a family member. But one important thing to be aware of is that; not all closures are good for our emotional health and well being.
A lot of issues such as; emotional trauma can actually develop from getting the closure we wanted and needed so bad. Some of the damage we could gain from getting closure may include; more anger built up, frustration, resentment and sometimes even more questions, which could result in obsessive behaviors toward the person who betrayed us. However, on the positive side, getting closure often times results in the best feelings such as; a feeling of relief and settlement. But at the end of day, what really matters in this whole situation of “wanting and needing closure” is how the discussion is handled between the two parties. The deliverer and the recipient. In fact, it mostly matters, for the recepient and her/his state of mind at the moment.
How the the recipient (the person who needs closure) is prepared to receive the information given to her/him by the other person (deliverer) matters because if at any point the deliverer miscommunicate the information or a statement and the recipient fails to receive it the “right way” or misunderstands, things can easily escalate the wrong way from there. So basically, the state of mind of the recipient needs to be ready for whatever the outcome is.
Most often, the reason we want closure on situations or a fall out with a friend or family member, is because the ending of the relationship came as a surprise to the recipient. Sometimes, it could also be that, because one person was emotionally more invested in the relationship than the other. So, usually, in such a situation and at the current time; the driving point of all our emotions (the recipient), is solely on the disbelief of how could this be happening to me right now? Did the other person really meant it when they said, they cared and loved me? Where did I miss the mark? I mean, the Q&A in our heads (as recipient) about “what’s just happened?” usually occupies our whole focus.
The posed question of “I need to know why this happened” becomes the core center of our lives at that moment in time. And, until we get closure we can’t focus on anything else.
The good news is; if you are going through this right now, you are not the only one. So, definitely don’t feel alone, abandoned or confused. There are so many other people who are also in the same situation as you and of course there are some of us who have gone through it already. As for me, I am able to write and talk about this topic at this time of my life because I am now healed and have found peace. I also wanted to share my experience so I could talk about the process that I took to get me to this point. The struggles and the successes because it can be rough. But if you are reading this and have gone through a betrayal situation before, I applaud you!! I would love to hear what you did to get through the agonizing times and the struggle. What did you do? Please share your feedback on the comments section below.
Anyway, let me share my story with you. This was actually a story that I wanted to talk about so bad right after it had happened a few years ago but I couldn’t at the time because I guess it just wasn’t the right time. Maybe I would have been so negative had I shared it then. But either way, I am glad it’s over with and I have completely closed that crazy chapter of my life and moved on in peace. Now, for some of us, healing might take longer than others. So, that’s just something to keep in mind if you are in the process of healing.
It took me a whole year and half after being betrayed to finally feel like I was over a person I really loved and cared for so much. Trust me, so many times I wanted to rush through the healing process but for some reason it didn’t work for me and I know it’s because of the type of person I am. I needed time to process the situation in my head and on my own. I needed to allow me the time to feel all the pain in order to heal properly. I needed to go back and and forth with myself on the many questions I had in my head and luckily I was able to provide myself the answers I needed because they were in front of me. I needed to allow my heart to heal on it’s own time in which it did. I needed to allow my heart the time to decide to forgive myself and the other person. I could not just burry stuff in my heart and move on. I am an extrovert!! We don’t work that way.
Anyhu, I was able to put a few tips and tricks which I used to heal myself and my soul! Therefore, I thought why not share them publicly because maybe they could help someone like me or someone you know that is going through a similar situation. But before I go through the tips, I would like to mention one most important thing to keep in mind which is; WE ALL HEAL DIFFERENTLY! So, don’t rush your healing process. It might have taken me a year and half to heal from my situation but for you or another person, it might take six months or two years or maybe five (ppssst…hopefully nobody is worth that long to heal from).
as long as you are evolving and becoming a new person, that’s what matters the most during a self healing process. Always remember that!!
So, step #1: Cry, Cry, Cry and Cry some more. Then, Cuss, Cuss and Cuss some more. Then Wonder, Wonder and Wonder some more as to why could this be happening to you! You can scream all you want, punch a bag, cry quietly in the covers or punch the pillow. You whole heartedly have my support!! Who the hell does he/she think she is to do this type of shit to you? Stupid ass h**!! Go on…because this is actually the most important part of starting your healing process and I will tell you why in a minute. But one thing I want to mention real quick before I forget is; you don’t want to txt the other person any mean things or how pity you feel about yourself while in this heated moment. The reason being, this phase will pass and you don’t wanna look stupid to yourself or to the other person. So, all those mean txt’s and self pity messages you can still write them but make sure you send them to yourself. The reason, you need to cry and cuss and wonder is to allow yourself the permission to open the wound back up and feel that hurt the other person has caused you and go through it rather than stuff it on a shelf somewhere in your head/heart. Because by doing so (stuffing the feeling), you are not allowing yourself to start the healing process but rather you are allowing yourself to be able to revisit the emotional pain/hurt at a later time. But you don’t wanna allow that. Instead you wanna get over the pain. So, you have to be sure that you are ready!!
Step #2: Seat down and say it back to your self, “I feel like am going crazy or gonna go crazy, so it might be wise for me to see a counselor and get some therapy.” But what I also want you to do is to pretend like you are already sitting with a therapist and she/he is asking you the questions which you already asked yourself in your head and provided the correct answers to them. Because trust me, everything you have thought of or asked yourself about, will be the same things the therapist is going to ask you nothing less or more. But once you have done this, pick up the phone and call a real therapist and schedule an appointment. The reason, you are gonna do this is not because you think the therapist is going to take the pain away or heal you somehow but the reason we seek therapy is because, so our thoughts and feelings can be validated by someone who doesn’t know us personally or know the other person personally. Someone who will not be biased toward our thoughts. Trust me, it’s going to feel so GOOD! Plus seeing a therapist helps you gain a few other tools that you might have not thought of but because you talked to a stranger, they were able to bring some other awareness to you.
Step #3: Find a nice self help book or self development. I have a few which I really love(d). These great reads gave me so much relief when I was so down. While I read so many great books here are a few to mention and that I would recommend if you haven’t read them or are looking for a good read! Spiritual Solutions by Deepack Chopra. Most of the reads am going to mention as I go, are my all time favorites which I have had in my library for years. I love(d) them so much the first time I read them and could never put them away or too far from my night stand. So, anytime I feel like I need a good warm reminder for my soul to flourish again, I just reach for them quickly.
Another book I read and also loved was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I can’t stress enough how helpful this book has been to me. It always reminds me how important it is to focus on what matters NOW not what mattered yesterday or which will matter tomorrow but NOW!! This book always helps me remember to control myself whenever I feel that my emotions are about to make me make some irrational decisions. One of my other best favorites read is the book by James Allen called As a Man Thinketh oh my God!! If you are like me, a little too logical, this book is a must read. It brings you back to logical thinking while maintaining sympathy for self all at the same time. It’s an amazing read. And, one more thing, it’s on a day’s read, yess!! It’s that short yet so good.
Okay, enough on books although I have read so many including the Seven languages of love, the Four Agreements, The Healing Self, the Tethered soul, I mean A LOT!! The list goes on and on. What books have you read? I need to add new great reads on my list!! So, I would love to hear if you are reading anything fun or self healing. So, don’t forget to comment below so I can check your list out.
Step #4: Always find and make time to spend with yourself. Pick up a hobby. Something you have never done before or something you’d love to do but haven’t had the time to commit to. Designate at least an hour worth of doing whatever that something is. I for example, started training again at the gym. I always feel super sexy when I feel good and look good on the mirror. Plus, looking your best is the BEST REVENGE to the loser anyway!! You make them start wishing they could have you back but since you have moved on to better things, they can only wish in their dreams.
Step #5: Find time to spend with your girl squad, go out to the bars, clubs and even travel if you can!! Do the ratchet shit ya know, but don’t be getting tangled up with no man or have one night stands. Have the girlfriend’s talk and let your girlfriends tell you how evil this man was to you from the jump. I mean we all know our besties just want us to feel better and don’t mean no harm talking bad LOL.
Step #6: The most important step. At least it was for me. Get Spiritual and get with GOD or whatever you believe as your higher being. Doing this, helps you forgive yourself and stay grounded. I can not stress this enough. Feeling spiritual will help you see things in a whole different dimension and give you the peace you have been needing. You will fee at ONE with yourself. Also, look for places you can provide a helping hand like doing volunteer work or helping family and friends. Acts of kindness will always help you fee uplifted.
I can admit and say personally, I give props to the women and men who have been cheated on by their significant other but chose to stay and work on their relationship/marriage because they are better and stronger than me in every kind of way. And, I will never say never of course, because there are some circumstances which sometimes make people have to stay and work together through difficult times like a betrayal so who knows maybe one day if this happens to me again I might be that person who is willing to work things out (phew Mary mother of God please put that cup way far from me haha). But I know myself too well and I would say, it’s better for the other person to agree on going our separate ways unless they are okay with me to throw jabs related to their stupidity every now and then when am pissed off. I mean I wouldn’t be able to help it not happen. Sorry. And, yes, that means, I didn’t totally forgive them ouch…But even more so, it’s the fact that I know the type of person I am. I can forgive but I hardly can forget especially on issues of TRUST. That’s just my personality. That’s why am quick to take the high road and leave things and people where they are.
But to go back to the moral of the story, these are the steps I took to get me to where I am today emotionally and spiritually FREE from hurt caused by a loved one’s betrayal. I feel great and I feel ready to start over again and find LOVE. I’m grateful to have been able to go through this emotional roller-coaster and got through it so I could heal appropriately and in my own space and time.
I hope you too can do the same! Xo